Impatience

I've been spending the past few months being numb that having feelings again is somewhat of a head-rush. I still have so much pain, and part of me is feeling like something is missing - which I think might contribute to why I'm being so restless now that I'm starting to feel something other than pain and despair.

What I'm actually feeling now is a kindling of anger, which is a nice change from what I mention above. I used to be so energetic, feeling all the shades of rainbow and experience myriads of things; and while I don't regret the past few months, I was so lost in the pain it was a nice change to feel something different, even if it's anger. Aside from that, I'm starting to feel like I'm alive again. I don't want to be the old me though, because I'm not that person anymore. What they said is true, our experiences make us who we are, and with each experience, your life builds up. I'm not sure where I am now, or where do I go from here, but I have to move forward. I can't keep crying myself to sleep, rehashing the past in my mind, and most of all, I need to get away from feeling terrible about myself and moving away from the bad things that happened. It is a part of my life that make me grow, though, so I don't think I could forget the feelings.

They say take it one day at a time, and I'm having a hard time doing that. This restless energy is urging me to do something, giving me ideas about life, the things that I can do. It's so much so that I feel if I'm not careful, then I will get overwhelmed. I'm not in a stable place right now, and the thing I needed the most right now is balance.

Which reminds me. The thing about hopes and dreams right now is that I want it now. I want instant gratification, despite knowing that I will have to put work into it. I've been laying down long enough to feel like I don't want to move. But I have to, and I'm trying so hard to motivate myself, to narrow down the things that are doable right now. But they are still so much. Gawd, all these thoughts, making me feel like I should do everything at once, and I know I can't.

I've been looking up news on the world, wanting to know what's going on out there - because my own world seems to empty - and I see so many things is wrong with it, and I want to fix it. How, though? I know I can't just wave a magic wand to make everything right, but I'm feeling helpless at not being able to make it right in this second. I view the world as beautiful, the Earth my heaven and sanctuary, yet seeing the bad things happening with the refugee angers me, and I feel like destroying something. How can I make a change in the world right now? No job, no influence, no voice. I feel like a ghost, being invisible to others while screaming out in pain because the world is in pain.

I want to do everything, right now. Make everything right this very second.