This milk is bananas

So I've been browsing YouTube videos, and I keep running into this commercial. It's SO CATCHY!!!! And I've been watching/listening to it for a while now. It's in my head, and I'm even listening to it as I'm writing this post. It got an upbeat to it that give a little fun in my day XD

Speaking of milk. I am beginning to swear off milk and any dairy product.

Why? Because it's scary, disgusting, and unhealthy. I know, right, it's completely opposite to what the milk industry told us. Who would have thought doctors have been telling you the wrong thing?

Growing up in Viet Nam, drinking milk every day isn't a thing. I don't exactly go without milk, as I eat yogurt and have condensed milk now and then, but milk in a gallon or dairy products aren't a daily staple, and I have never eaten cheese prior to moving to the States. Again, it's not that it's because we don't have them, we do, but dairy products are a luxury, not a necessity.

Normally, an average family will consume more vegetable, fish, and fruit more than meat. And don't forget rice. Why? Because in Viet Nam, vegetables and fruits (some of them) are generally so much cheaper than meat. How much cheaper? Think $1 for 1 kilogram of vegetable vs $10 for 1 kilogram of meat. Fishes are usually $2/3 a kilogram, and fruits are anywhere from $1-$5 a kilogram; and Viet Nam is a poor country, so yeah, you can see why meat is a luxury. It also make sense why we're so much more healthier than meat eaters :) We have so much variety of fruits and vegetable that it's easy to live on cheap vegetable and fruits and still gets all the necessary nutrition, and even sometimes more.

As for milk, like I said, Viet Nam is a poor country, we don't really have fridges to store food for another day or week, so we can't just have a gallon of milk laying around. When I was growing up, my Mom would occasionally splurge and bought my sister and I to a big, fancy market (big and fancy for poor Vietnamese, but those markets are generally just the normal Meijer and Walmart to Westerner), and bought us a pint of fresh milk. It usually cost her about $4 for that pint, so we only get to have it about one every week or so. What is more the norm is condensed milk, and the can of condensed milk cost about $2/3 for one, and we uses it to make Vietnamese Coffee, a most wonderful concoction :) And occasionally, when my sister and I got sick, Mom would make hot condense milk drink for us (2 tbsp condensed milk with 8 ounces of boiling water). And another rare treat would be yogurt. But it's not the rich, creamy yogurt you westerners are used to, Vietnamese yogurt (or Da Ua) is very thin in texture, and it's mostly sweet with the crunchiness of ice (as it's mostly water, think watered down ice cream), and our ice cream is similar to our yogurt, sugar and water with food coloring and then freeze, so yeah, the rich and creamy texture of western yogurt and ice cream is not something an average Vietnamese person would ever get exposed to.

Asians rarely consumed dairy products is because we have no need of it. As babies, we would drink our mother's milk and gets weaned around 1 or 2 years old, then from that point on we don't really need milk, as Vetnamese diet are rich in fresh fruits, vegetables, fishes and lots of herbs and spices (again, because they're extremely cheap and much more available than meat). With its tropical climate, fruits and vegetables are so easy to grow, hence it's much more affordable to a normal Vietnamese family, though it had changed in recent years, as I went back for a visit sometimes around 2008, and the price of a kilogram of vegetable is around $22 in Vietnamese currency, due to the tourists that had now become the source of income for Vietnamese people).

Food in Vietnamese culture have been influenced over hundreds of years, but it enriched our food cultivation instead of drowning out our history, and we're very creative when it comes to cooking food and making do with what we have. There's so many ways of making a meal, and I remember having so much variety of food types when I was growing up (my Mom is such an accomplished cook), though like I said, our diet are mostly vegetable and fruits and many type of fishes. Soups are somewhat a stable in my family's meals (it's so easy to cook: prepare the veggies, boil water, throw them in with seasoning and you're done, plus it helps picky eater like me washes down dry dishes), and in fact, I preferred soups with my meals, because it enhanced the flavor of rice, and helps me eat faster (soupy rice goes down the throat easier without much chewing XD I know it's bad for your tummy, but I was a kid, ok? Not to mention, my stomach is strong because of it).

I remember growing up, having 1 meat dish a day is already a lot, and with how expensive it was back then, my Mom had to work a lot to make enough money to feed my sister and I; and the both of us have bottomless stomach. I would ate the normal 3 meals, then have snacks constantly between the meals, and was still hungry. Despite how much my sister and I ate, we were scrawny little things, with bones and skin. You'd think our mother doesn't feed us, but we ate almost all hours of the day. Mom used to joke the only time our mouths wasn't busy chewing is when we sleep.

So yeah, with how expensive dairy product is, it's rare for us to have it. But we don't need it, because as you know, Asian people live a long life, with strong constitution, and being sick is rare for us (beside the common cold), with beautiful skin and hair, and we look younger than our age. All that without milk. So maybe you should be rethinking about chugging down that glass of milk, eh, eh ;) ;)

Dairy in Asian isn't a normal occurrence, not to mention sometimes it's view as a weakness (there's an insult to grown people about their breath still smelling of mother's milk = weakling, wet behind the ears. Yeah, we Asian are long winded with our hinted insults xD We tend to not tell you straight out that you sucks :P)

Historical timeline of milk doesn't say much about dairy in Asian culture (except India), because to us Asian, cows are farming animals, and if it give birth to baby cows, it means the income/labor force is increased once the baby cow grow up = we don't mess with the baby cow's milk source. And we generally don't drink cow's milk is, well, because exactly that, it's cow's milk xD

Most Vietnamese people drink water, or rice drinks (this is also how mothers who doesn't produce enough milk feed their babies in my country, by cooking rice with extra water, and feed the baby with this mixture, it's very nutritious and will be covered in another post), and thanks to tea culture introduced to us by China, we either have iced or hot tea in addition to water :)

I remember when I was growing up, I was a very healthy child, albeit very scrawny. I rarely got sick, and I ate a very healthy diet. I misses the meals from back then, the variety of fruit and vegetables, and the thousands of different dishes that came from that. I misses the food the most living in America, because despite the oriental markets that is all around, there isn't as many ingredients as I used to have (well, duh!), and they're quite expensive ($3 for a measly 2 ounces of Vietnamese herbs). Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life here, it's the food that I misses the most XD Well, I do have a bottomless stomach after all :P

But yeah, Asian cultures have been doing fine without milk, until the introduction of westerners, and even so we don't actually have much to do with milk, and we're still fine. What I want to do most is to be informed about the products that I put in and on my body, and I'm glad that with today's technology and widespread of information, I can do that easier than the previous generation. I hope you'll be able to do the same, because knowledge is power, and you have the ability to get that kind of power easily :) Eat healthy, my friends, because you deserved to be taken care of, by you!

Borderline Personality Disorder

Getting diagnosed with BPD was, like my previous post said, both a relief and a source of worry. I saw myself fluctuation with great frequency between opposite spectrum of emotions, and it's a relief to know that it wasn't of my imagination. That I wasn't defected in the way that I thought I was.

Everybody have their own insecurities, and feelings different emotions at once, but BPD suffers worse than that. It's a mental disorder, and I'm still conflict with myself knowing that I have a faulty brain, but it helps in knowing to keep watch on myself and understand the reason why I felt and behave the way I do.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, BPD accurate name for the illness, and actually is misleading, BPD doesn't have an actual name for it yet, as it is still relatively not widely known, despite numbering 1 in 150 people estimated to have BPD. I've been reading a lot of articles about BPD, and it seems that the world either thinks BPD sufferers are either poor victims who needs lots of understanding and care, or BPD was born evil.

A lot of people thinks BPD are crazy, and does not want to tolerate BPD's misbehaviors, and That person with BPD intentionally manipulate you because they're insecure, and they often have bad relationships, and they have a progression of how the relationship evolves.

Loving someone with BPD is a roller coaster ride, and not many people have the strength or will to be able to do it. Knowing this, I understand why - when I look back - I pushes people away. I was scared of them getting to know me, and I felt that they cannot handle me.

To explain it in further details, BPD is emotional PTSD, to which a person have trouble with controlling their emotions and feelings and it affects how they think and act.

This list is copied from Dual Diagnosis, and I put in my answers to these things:

The DMS-IV outlines nine symptoms that identify borderline personality disorder. In order to be diagnosed by a mental health care profession, one needs to be at least 18 years of age and exhibit five or more of the following symptoms:

• Extreme reactions to real or perceived abandonment. The feeling of being abandoned is perhaps one of the most indicative markers of borderline personality disorder. Whether real or imagined, a person suffering from BPD may show intense, often inappropriate, reactions when he/she feels abandoned. (This is true, for when I perceived that someone I love wanted to leave me, I would have anxiety attacks, beg and cry, anything to keep them with me.)

• Torrid relationships. A person with borderline personality disorder often has intense emotions about friends and others close to him/her, in particular lovers or caretakers, which may correlate to fear of abandonment. Feelings may constitute extreme love (idealization) or hate (devaluation) and are subject to change without notice or predicating event. People with BPD may also seem overly reliant or dependent upon friends, lovers, or family members. (Hard relationships, yes, when I either relied upon them completely, or tried to do everything on my own.)

• Distorted self-image. Often feeling like he/she is “bad” or “evil,” a person with BPD may show signs of low self-worth or value. This disturbance in perceived identity is frequently negative or pessimistic and can shift suddenly. For example, someone with BPD may have extreme feelings about how they are unloved or worthless triggered by an event in which a friend is five minutes late for a lunch date. (This applied. I've always have a thought/feeling that I'm a terrible existence, that I'm a poisonous person, completely evil through and through, the worst human have to offer.)

• Impulsive or dangerous behavior. Impulsive or risky behavior often includes sex, substance abuse, binges, or charging a lot of money on credit cards. These behaviors are often considered to be dangerously impulsive and can put oneself or others at risk. (Impulsive, yes, as I completely get absorbed into doing something, like chasing down a 'perfect' wine when I saw an ad; but never have I been promiscuous nor abused substances like the thing suggested.)

• Recurring suicidal thoughts. The National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that living with BPD can manifest into destructive behavior, such as self-harm (cutting) or suicide attempt. (All my life, I've felt like the world would be a better place without me. I felt happy imagining how beautiful the world would be, and how free I am if I don't exist. I have only three times thought of killing myself, but the thought of I shouldn't exists was always in the back of my mind.)

• Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Those suffering from BPD may often feel disillusioned or unfulfilled with their places in life. (The emptiness scares me. This black hole I felt in me that I didn't understand and didn't know how to deal with. This black void that threatened to swallow me whole and reduced me to an empty body. It has been with me for so long.)

• Inappropriate anger. Referring to the earlier example about a lunch date, a person with BPD may yell at a friend for being late. It’s possible that, going to back to unstable relationships, he/she may immediately switch feelings about that person and illustrate devaluation as a result. (I experience this often with my parents, whom I would suddenly have an intense rage whenever I hear their voice or see them, and I felt like I would explode whenever that anger comes on. It's understandable, since they were the ones that the beatings came from when I was growing up.)

• Intense and highly unstable moods. Those with BPD often display unpredictable and erratic behavior as the result of varying moods. (Yep. I swing from extremely happy and sociable one moment and then 'leave the the hick alone' the next.)

• Stress-related paranoia or dissociative symptoms. This symptom is marked by a loss of reality or perception. (I daydream a lot, and often time feels like I'm barely there in body.)

I now operate on three mode: feelings everything under the sun, feeling nothing at all (the empty vessels that barely function), and (what I'm trying to cultivate) is feeling overwhelmed with so much feelings, but a little detached while trying to understand and processing those emotions and thoughts.

BPD attitudes can range from everything is their fault to everything is your fault. It is not intentionally, or a mean to manipulate you, it's just our way to trying to live up to a 'normal' standards, and feeling like we have to have an answer for everything, even if that answer was wrong, but it's the best one we can find at the moment.

Personally, my life is a rainbow, without the appreciation for the beautiful colors that no one have a name or description of. I confuses myself on a daily basics, and my goal is 'conquer the world' in one moment that changes into 'I want to go to the moon NOW'. It's exhausting trying to keep up being me.

Relationship with BPD are complicated, and unpredictable. It's how people are attracted to us, because we're exciting, but it is a wear and tear ride that not many can continues. We're extremely smart, and we have a way with people, but often it's how we want to be alone: because people see the happy mask, and they didn't see the person underneath crying their heart out. It's exhausting to have the mask in place, and we usually want to be in our shell, being protected from others and protecting others from ourselves.

We are crazy, but we do love deeply, and the reason we're so caring is because we do not want others to feel the same pain we do.

I've always felt this way, but my diagnosis was only recently. I have a long way to go to overcome this, but it felt tremendously good that I am aware of this, that I am aware of myself. And it's been so helpful in knowing that this can go away with work. I'm determined to be the best that I am, and I know that I am worth it.

An open letter to Non-BPDs

Getting involve with myself

I've always been a private person, so it's hard for me to open up. On the outside, I'm a sociable and nice person, easy to talk to and I laugh a lot, but not many people knows the person inside. More often than not, I feel trapped behind my mask.

Growing up in a traditional and strict family, I've never had a chance to learn how to express myself. It's always about being nice, being what others deemed 'good', and pleasing others so as not to embarrassed my family. It's always about making it so that others will look at our family and say "you have good children", or "you've taught your kids well", so I guess it's not really a surprised that I learned to bury everything inside and came across as a 'happy' person to the people I've met. I have acquaintances, and people that I enjoy spending time with, but I can count fewer than five the people I've opened myself to. The number is 4, to be exact, and even then they don't really know all of me. It's like I'm condition to not let anybody close. I automatically veered somewhere else when someone gets close enough, an instinct to shield myself, and even worse: the need to protect those people so they do not get hurt by me. I've always feel that I'm a terrible person, that my existence brings pain to the people around me. I've always felt that in me exist a black void that will swallow anyone coming close. I'm being melodramatic, I know, but it felt like eventually, I'll poison everyone within reaching distance. So I preferred to be alone. I closed myself off whenever socializing turn into making friends, I flinch away from any detail about myself and my life, I get good at changing the subject, and I'm good at putting the focus on the other person.

As I gets older, I keep experiencing conflicting feelings. I love to have friends, doing fun things, and live life to the fullest, but I hate getting close to the people and letting them know me. I have hermit tendencies whence I can barely stand to go outside, yet I have the deepest urge to go out and do things and be outside of these familiar four walls. For the longest time, I didn't realized I was experiencing depression. I think myself a weird person for not being able to understand the basic human emotions sometimes. It's like I'm so private that I don't even know my own thoughts and feelings. It's scary.

Being an Earth Dragon, I have grandiose ideas, and the feeling/thinking that I'm invincible and that I can do anything and everything; yet I'm restricted by my own inability to function like a normal person, and it gets so frustrating. Then I would look down on myself, the vicious cycle of beating myself up and feeling worse about myself would make it so that I only goes out of my room for food and personal hygiene. My room is my sanctuary, but I know I'm trapping myself in here instead of living a life that I've always dream of.

When I get diagnosed of Borderline Personality Disorder, I was both relieved and worry. Relieved that I finally get a name for this thing that is me, that I could research on it and understand it more; but I also got worried, because when I was growing up, not being 'normal' was a big stigma, and it affects my the other members of my family as well, and Asian society does not look kindly on those who have defects, be it mental or physical. Being in American society does help, but I do not like the fact that the doctors here is too happy to give out pills - I have an aversion to pills, both because of my upbringing, and because of my view on drugs that could alter a person's brain chemistry (excuse me if I'm skeptic of pills for depression that also make people more depressed and have suicidal intents). Also, having my own person experience of three different type of anti-depression, I'm not too keen on trying the fourth time.

One thing that I found that works for me, and soothes me is writing. I tend to write fiction a lot, and try to write a journal now and then. But I will always distract myself with something else, like new healthy ways to eat, makeup, crunchy way of living, and the biggest distractor: gaming. It would get so bad that I woke up and the first thing I do is jump on a computer and play for a bit before going to brush my teeth, and I would stay up until 7 in the morning to play game. I barely eat enough to have the strength to pull another nighter. Gaming distract me from real life. It's so easy devoted to gaming when there's a step-by-step to do list so I know what to do and where to go, and the NPC in the game is either your enemy or your friend, with very clear defined roles - and both your enemies and friends think you're the most amazing person that existed. I have no trouble while gaming, because with a few push of a button, and an easy multiple choice, I can obliterated evil and save the world. My character doesn't need to eat, my character doesn't need to sleep, my character make friends on her way to the next destination without efforts, friends that will always be there, my character can make a decision, then with a reload will be able to choose another option, and the only ones my character is hurting is the red name enemies, who is clearly evil and has no other purpose, so the choice is easy. And my character can change her appearance, and the world she lives in have beautiful, lush surroundings, and she can get there through a fast travel portal.

Through my character, I live through that dream world, and I neglected myself, my health, and those around me. I have told myself to love myself more, to do things that would make me happy. Playing game makes me happy, but it's a short fix, because I get tired, and my body doesn't take well to weeks of having little sleep. I also understand that it's not real happiness when I'm only happy for a few weeks, until my character gets good in a game, then the game became boring, and I went in search of another one to bury myself in. Sure, it's extremely fun, but I want a full life. I'm a nerd and a dork, but I also want to do stuffs that mean something to me, and playing game (I understand) is only a passion while it's distracting me. I want a lot more from me than this. And first, I have to learn to love myself, to actually taking care of myself as an adult. Taking care not only mean physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. I want to do more, and be all that I can be. I don't want gaming to distracting myself is all that I am. I want more. I want all of me.

Money

As a person with no job, living with my parents, I can say: Yeah, money is hard to come by, especially with this kind of economy.

After the rant in the previous post, I'm a bit mellowed. Perhaps venting out some of those strong emotions help me calm down a little. I'm so used to bottling everything up that it's a little strange and free to have say something about it.

Back to money. I'm still very much an idealist, and I still love to love my job and earning a livelihood doing what I love. But how do you travel for free? How do you get food on the table for free (well, there's food stamp, I guess, but I'm not there yet). Everything seems to take money these days, and I don't know if I can travel, learn, and live comfortable with no money. I'm sure there's some way to do it, but I haven't found it yet.

How do I channel my passion into making a living? Am I overthinking it? I'm sure there are jobs out there that I would love to do, and I need to apply myself more looking for it.

And that's the kicker. I'm scared of the outside world. Inside my room, alone with myself, I can do anything, I have every talents that required in all the jobs. But out there, I'm smaller than a grain of sand, and I'm not sure if there is a job for me, something I can do without sounding like a broken record "You should hire me because"; and being an introvert, I'm just plain scared of being around people. I love people, and I'm a social person, despite my introvertness, but more often than not, I feel like I will get lost in a crowd, being swallow up in the crushing pressure of being a person amongst thousands.

Sitting in front of my computer, I feel like a boiling kettle. So much energy and steam is coming out, but until I get pour into a cup of something, I'm just wasting my time and energy. And I don't know where to pour myself into. What cup will hold me? What kind of drink will I make.

I am scared. And restless.

Not a very good combination.

David Frost said that "Don't aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally."

I believe in it, or rather, I have hope in it and it does make sense - but that I am scared of failure. Scared of the time it will take, and whether I will be able to make it.

Right now, I am one person. Not on my own, but easily taken care of. Can I do it? Can I succeed at what I love?

It might be weird, but that philosophical question: "What would you do if money is not a concern?"

That question make my mind took flight with so many ideas, so many things I can do. But money is a concern, a really big concern. How can I take care of myself without money? Even a piece of bread cost money, so how can I do what I love without money? I love to do so much, travel, go to classes/learning new things, eat, internet, sleep the whole day away. How can I do any of that without a thing to my name?

I have hopes and dreams, and I'm filled with so much unused energy that I think I can do it, but I still have to be realistic. I know myself, I get impressed easily, so there probably one or more schemes that I will chase, until they revealed to be scam (happened already more than once); so I have to be careful. However, the unused energy keeps piling up, urging me to do something. What can I do? What do I need to do? What is the right thing to do for me?

What would I do if money is not a concern? I would travel to places, see and experience nature and people. I love cultures, and I love learn about them, to enjoy the different variety of food (I was raised in Viet Nam, so some food out there isn't scary to me - I don't eat dogs or cats, just FYI, never had, never will), I would love to learn about blacksmithing, glass art, cooking (I really love food). I'd go to different countries, enjoying the land, take long walks in forests, swim in the river/beach/pond, climb the (shorter) rocks, have movie marathons, relax in a beautiful house that I designed myself, and adopt children, teaching them about being a person, about loving others despite their short comings. I'd love to commit to charities, fight for human rights, changing the education system so students get what they need - to encourage their passion, not to sit in a 'required' class (forget well-rounded students, because the classes we don't like will not stay in our memories). To help people feel safe, to give them their basic rights across the globe. To feed hungry people, and to provide sanctuary (I actually dream of building a kingdom where everyone have equal rights, free health care, free education that teaches them to respect and value each other, where martial arts for self-defense is taught at a young age - I repeat, self-defense). Pipe dreams, I know. And it takes money. So much money to do all the above. What am I but a job-less dreamer? How can I accomplish them?

What would I do if money is not a concern? What if it's not about all the money I'll ever need, but about I need to stop caring about money? Would it be possible? Would I be able to accomplish my dreams for free?

I have so many dreams I'm near bursting with it. What do I need to do?

What are we doing?

I am in rage. Rage and pain. Pain because the world is suffering, and almost everything wrong is going on all around the world. Rage because it defies common logic, and rage because I want it to change but it would take more than just me.

How easy it would be if it was just me, that I wonder why people do not realize that we are all connected. That what we do to one another, we do to ourselves. I rage in pain because we are hurting ourselves.

And we pride ourselves on being an intelligent specie.

We are not. We are barely at a point of walking on two legs. We are still animals.

In nature, the strongest survive. We are still doing that, we are still following nature's laws. The only times when we show ourselves to be the higher specie, the 'evolved' one are the times when we acted with love for others.

The only time we becoming a higher being is the time we acted at our best, not our base.

The only time when we are deserving of the 'intelligent' title is when we take a look at ourselves and realize that we are not intelligent. Not yet.

When we fooled ourselves into thinking something is not what it is. When we belittle others' suffering and hurting others while thinking that we're being strong. We are not being intelligent, nor are we being strong.

We don't even address each other correctly, and yet we pride ourselves in have an advance communication method.

We have not even realized that one action will lead to another. That there is no such thing as race, and that gender is not all there is to us. We are more, but we didn't see that. We are creating a vicious cycle. And we didn't realize it would come back to us.

Strong topics make us uncomfortable, so we dumb it down.

We treat each other like we are not worth it.

This brought be the worst pain, as a person: we put the responsibility of fixing our mistakes to our children. We told them they are our future, but what are we doing for them? We abuse them, we neglect them. Hell, we even married our young, and favor one child over another. We even encourage them to hate. We deny them education, we teach them to kill, we uses them as a weapon, we oppressed them and uses them as a source of income. And we want them to grow up right? What kind of future are we giving them?

And worst of all, they didn't choose any of this. WE DID!

We have not realize what we do to one another affects us, too.

We have not realize that we are one.

I am in rage because we have so much potential, but we are not living up to our amazing beings.

I am in pain because we are not being our amazing selves, but we have so much potential.

It is time that we face the truth: we are not an advance specie. We are still in our childhood. We still need to learn more, and educate ourselves. Only when we realize that, and understand that, can we learn and be better. Only when we face the truth that we still don't know, can we actually start learning.

And we need to learn, because we're killing ourselves.

Impatience

I've been spending the past few months being numb that having feelings again is somewhat of a head-rush. I still have so much pain, and part of me is feeling like something is missing - which I think might contribute to why I'm being so restless now that I'm starting to feel something other than pain and despair.

What I'm actually feeling now is a kindling of anger, which is a nice change from what I mention above. I used to be so energetic, feeling all the shades of rainbow and experience myriads of things; and while I don't regret the past few months, I was so lost in the pain it was a nice change to feel something different, even if it's anger. Aside from that, I'm starting to feel like I'm alive again. I don't want to be the old me though, because I'm not that person anymore. What they said is true, our experiences make us who we are, and with each experience, your life builds up. I'm not sure where I am now, or where do I go from here, but I have to move forward. I can't keep crying myself to sleep, rehashing the past in my mind, and most of all, I need to get away from feeling terrible about myself and moving away from the bad things that happened. It is a part of my life that make me grow, though, so I don't think I could forget the feelings.

They say take it one day at a time, and I'm having a hard time doing that. This restless energy is urging me to do something, giving me ideas about life, the things that I can do. It's so much so that I feel if I'm not careful, then I will get overwhelmed. I'm not in a stable place right now, and the thing I needed the most right now is balance.

Which reminds me. The thing about hopes and dreams right now is that I want it now. I want instant gratification, despite knowing that I will have to put work into it. I've been laying down long enough to feel like I don't want to move. But I have to, and I'm trying so hard to motivate myself, to narrow down the things that are doable right now. But they are still so much. Gawd, all these thoughts, making me feel like I should do everything at once, and I know I can't.

I've been looking up news on the world, wanting to know what's going on out there - because my own world seems to empty - and I see so many things is wrong with it, and I want to fix it. How, though? I know I can't just wave a magic wand to make everything right, but I'm feeling helpless at not being able to make it right in this second. I view the world as beautiful, the Earth my heaven and sanctuary, yet seeing the bad things happening with the refugee angers me, and I feel like destroying something. How can I make a change in the world right now? No job, no influence, no voice. I feel like a ghost, being invisible to others while screaming out in pain because the world is in pain.

I want to do everything, right now. Make everything right this very second.

Starting Out

So, I am sitting here, staring at the screen with ideas and wants and needs and questions and the world running inside my mind with so high a speed they're not even words, they're merely pictures and feelings and unnameable things that I could barely glimpse at without being able to understand it fully or explain it. But they brought so much excitement, so much hope and love and sense of wonder. It is why I created this blog, and maybe it's just me and my hopeless daydreaming, stupidity, and naivety, but I'm thinking this might work. This might actually bring my purpose to fruition. That maybe I'll look back at this post and realize this was the moment. This was the beginning I have been searching for. That this is my calling, and I'm finally answering it.

I'm talking about crazy ideas that make sense for me, but might not to others, and maybe some day they'll get me committed to an asylum, but this. This make me feels so much alive and energized!

I am sitting right now, in front of my computer in a small (and a bit cold) bedroom in my parents' house, behaving like a teenager, uncertain of my past as well as my future. Chances are, I'll even forgot what this moment would feel like about 30 minutes from now, or even sooner; but right now, I am alive. Alive and doing well.

I admit, I (think) I'm broken. Like a shard of glass from a water bottle that my careless self dropped while trying to fill this bottle up with water. And I'm laying there on the floor in my kitchen, small and sharp, unable to be wet yet soaked in the water puddle. Small and sharp and not much of use but ready to do some damage. It feels like that sometimes - not as a piece of glass, but that I have all these energies, but I can't use them effectively therefore rendering me broken.

I have hopes though. Hopes and dreams so big I feel trapped in my own skin. Ideas and thoughts and feelings that kept me well up through the night, so that I only lay my head down to sleep when the dawn's light seeping through the gaps in my window's blinds.

I am sitting in my room, in a house that doesn't belong to me, with no jobs, no income except for unemployment, at 27, with my first marriage of 4 short months coming to a near end, and wondering what am I doing with my life. I'm a woman, 27 years old, with no career, no real life to speak of, and wondering how I'm going to make it through life.

27 years old, had been so in denial about how uncertain I've felt about everything, and still blind about how the world works, yet so impressionable and so easily excitable. I have no skill that I mastered, no degree, no life, with a family that cares so much for me - but where I don't feel belonged, and wondering how can I take care of myself?

Get a job? I guess that's the first start, but what kind of job do I do? How can I do something that I love? How can I lead myself into a life of fulfillment? What can I do to love my life? Love myself?

Thoughts, feelings, so much in my mind that I can't narrow down. Uncertainty everywhere. What do I do? I feel confused, but I don't feel like I want to give up just yet. I have hope, but I'm scare, too, and the two keeps running in circles, confusing me even more.

What I want to do is to follow my heart, engage in my curiousity, and find something to do that I will love, and grow as a person. But how? How do I do that and still brings food on the table? How do I do that and still pay the bill? Do I need to live on the street? How can I live on the street? I pride myself on my resourcefulness, but right now, I am lost as to what I should do. What is the correct step to put my foot forward?

I am scared, worried, and yet I'm excited at the same time. I feel so much energy coming from within, the urge to do something, to follow my dreams. I feel hope, and all these ideas in my head are calling me, each better than the last.

I dream of a united world. A world where people put the needs of humankind first, not their own greed. A world where everyone is connected to each other - because we are. I dream of a world where ideas never stop spewing forth, and innovations are daily occurrence. I dream of a world where people care for one another, and realize that we are all we've got. A world where religions, hate, greed are the rare and not the norm, where people take care of one another. Do unto others, any one?

I dream of a world where we all matter, each and every one of us. And I feel like it is possible.

The world is hurting right now. What are we doing about it?

I dream of a world where love flow freely. Because that's what we are, creatures of love, deserving love and able to give.

I dream of our beautiful world to be more beautiful, and right now, my worse fear is that somewhere along the path I walk, I will forgot about that fact.